Middle Age Musings
Dear Dr. Stanwix,
My husband and I have not made love in over a year. We are both in our late 50s and both seem to be simply not interested in sex anymore. We are both happy and enjoy each other’s company, but I worry that this might lead to a dangerous trend in our relationship where we may never have sex again.
Another concern I have is whether my husband is simply not interested in sex because I’m not interested. I can sincerely say that I am not interested in sex with my husband or anyone else, period. However, I don’t know 100% whether my husband feels the same way.
Is this normal in couples our age or should we be concerned? Should we ignore the problem or talk about it?
Sincerely,
Late 50s Low Libido
Dear Late 50s Low Libido,
This phenomenon is quite common in people in their late 50s. Male testosterone levels decrease and females experience menopause. At this point in our lives our bodies begin to wind down their sexual functions. Biology limits our ability to procreate and therefore a good deal of our sexual drive diminishes. However, most couples don’t give up sex altogether once they’ve reached this stage of life.
Women who are concerned about this decline have what is referred to as hypoactive sexual desire disorder. This generally happens to women who fault themselves for being less interested in sex and believe that their low sex drive has a negative impact on their significant others. Unfortunately, women are sometimes conditioned to believe that they are the ones who are responsible for wanting a sex life. I ask that you please avoid blaming yourself at all costs and discuss this matter thoroughly with your husband.
If he truly feels the same way as you, you should both be grateful that the depression of your sexual appetite is synchronized. Many couples suffer from an imbalance in sexual desire. At times this imbalance causes the one with the stronger libido to seek sexual satisfaction outside of the relationship. However, from what you tell me, it seems that you are both experiencing low libido.
Neither you nor your husband should fault yourselves for this. Nevertheless, you should be upfront with one another about your desires and why you are no longer interested in sex. The important question you both need to answer is whether he would be interested in having sex if you were interested and vice-versa.
You don’t need to be holding hands in a bathtub while watching a beautiful sunset like in Cialis commercials to enjoy each other’s company. However, there are some very important benefits to sexual intimacy. Sex and other forms of physical intimacy are great stress relievers. They also strengthen relations and provide for a sense of youth and vitality. These benefits should not be overlooked.
Only you and your husband can decide if you are having too little sex. If you are both happy with each other and still enjoy doing things together, then more power to you. However, I think a frank discussion is in order so that you can both determine whether you have just fallen into a sexual rut or if you are truly not interested in sex any longer.
Best of luck,
Dr. Stanwix
Dr. Michael Stanwix has an honorary doctorate in marital counseling and is a full time life coach. He can take on anyone’s questions. The question is, can you take what he has for an answer? Dr. Stanwix’ column is provided courtesy of Fiftyisthenewfifty.com, devoted to those who are middle aged and people who accept the fact that they will get there someday.
If you have a question for Dr. Stanwix, feel free to write him at drstanwix@fiftyisthenewfifty.com.