Preparing to Care for Aging Parents
By Erich W. Schuetz, MBA, Regency Home Care of North Atlanta, North Atlanta LIVING WELL Magazine
Several years ago when I was sharing care giving duties with my sister for our 88-year-old mother, she slipped and fell in the bathroom one morning and broke her collar bone. I’ll never forget the sight of watching her fall and not being fast enough to stop her. Living in the far reaches of Nevada, the drive to the nearest hospital was a two-hour drive.
She took the drive fairly well, actually much better than my sister and I who had many recriminations along the way about what we should have done to prevent the fall. It was also a stark reminder that we needed to start preparing for the inevitable, considering her advancing age. The fall also forced us to come to grips with an aging parent.
As we discussed the many issues involved, we became aware of some of the statistics that apply to our generation:
- This is the first time in history that couples have had more parents than children.
- The average woman can expect to spend 18 years caring for an older family member.
- Almost 40% of all workers are more involved with caring for a parent than a child.
Realizing the impacts of these trends, it became clear that the time to react was immediate, before my mother’s needs became even more acute.
So what do you do when you confront the reality of your parents aging and potentially needing more of your time and attention? The critical factors revolve around learning about your parents’ needs and wishes, and communicating effectively before a crisis arises. It is helpful to categorize these needs and wishes into several areas:
Personal Goals:
- How do your parents feel about being independent?
- What is important to them at this stage in their lives?
- How important is it for them to remain close to friends or family?
- Are there health issues that might dictate location?
Housing Issues:
- How important is it for your parents to stay in their home?
- What choices would they make if that is not an option? Live with a family member, retirement community, assisted living facility? What is important to them in this decision?
Trust Issues:
As parents age, there will likely come a time when others will have to step in to make decisions on their behalf. Are there children or relatives whom they trust, or perhaps do not trust? Documents like living wills or power of attorney should be dealt with early, while they can cognitively contribute to this process. Be sure to involve someone your parents trust.
Legal Issues:
Your aging parents should make sure their legal affairs are in order and understood by the family. If arrangements need to be made, now is the time.
Financial Issues:
It is critical that you spend time to understand your parents’ financial condition. What are their short-term and long-term financial needs and resources? If there is a mismatch, what should be done to resolve it?
Health Issues:
- Which healthcare providers are used by your parents?
- What is the current state of their health?
- What is the prognosis?
- Do your parents have a living will or other health directives in place?
With the important issues defined, it is important to begin the dialogue and to keep it flowing as circumstances change.
Don’t Procrastinate. The sooner you begin talking about these issues, the more time there is to understand and react.
Be Sensitive. Dealing with these issues is important, but it can become overwhelming for parents. Talking about long term issues can be stressful – it acknowledges their mortality. It is important to establish communications early and to be sure you understand before you start taking action. The more knowledgeable you are, the better decisions can be made.
Break It Up. Don’t expect to deal with all the issues in one sitting. Take the time to cover all the important areas without overwhelming your parents.
Don’t Bring Up the Painful Past. Now is not the time to seek either retribution or reconciliation on old unresolved issues between parents and their adult children. Focus on the issues at hand and make the best decisions for the future.
Consider Mediation. If you are having a tough time broaching the subject or getting a response from your parents, you may want to look at getting outside help. A trusted third party such as an attorney, a close friend, a geriatric care manager or family therapist may be a good place to start.
Talking about these issues before a crisis looms ahead is an important first step in making the needed preparations for providing care for your aging parents. Your own family, as well as your parents, will appreciate your involvement and approach as you sensitively deal with these important issues.
Erich W. Schuetz, MBA, is the president and owner of Regency Home Care of North Atlanta and may be reached at 678-999-2446.
