You’re Not Alone––Dealing With Death and the Loss of a Loved One
By Amy Walker, LPC, Guardian Hospice, Texoma LIVING WELL Magazine
Life has a way of being so normal one day and delivering a body punch the next. The occurrence of the death of someone you love can change your whole life in an instance. Just taking a breath can seem difficult. Grieving experts Raymond Mitsch and Lynn Brookside say, “In the weeks and months following the death of someone we love, we often feel like humpy dumpty. That’s the only way to describe it. We feel broken. We hurt so much that our pain seems almost tangible. We move cautiously and uncertainly because our nerve endings are all on the alert, sensitive to the slightest stimulus. We breathe shallowly as if we’re afraid to take a deep breath for fear our lungs will press too harshly upon our aching heart.”
I have a friend who is from a very large family. She is the oldest of 11 children. She and her family were embarking on a new adventure. They were moving across state for a promotion her father had gotten. During their travels, her 41-year old mother died from heart failure on the side of the road. She went from being part of a happy, excited family to a single individual grouped with others with no center.
When someone is told that their loved one has died, they most often experience some degree of shock. This is normal. Shock allows us time to process the realization and gravity of what has just happened. It is in this moment that we feel, “nothing.” In the days ahead is when the multitude of other emotions wash over you. Denial, anger and bargaining are just a few of the stages these emotions can lead us to. Knowing that you will never be in the presence of that person again is the worst kind of abandonment. It is at this moment that you may actually feel completely without hope and all alone.
Grief is not something you have to experience alone. When you’re experiencing a hurt as huge as losing a loved one to death, it’s easy to feel like no one could possibly know the pain you feel. It is at this time when you should find others who are experiencing similar feelings of loss. This allows healthy grieving to occur. Strong feelings and emotions are validated, giving you a sense of “normalcy” when you realize others have felt the same way and have the same hurts you do. Being able to talk with others with these similar feelings is freeing in a sense. After all, you’re not alone!
Not dealing with our feelings allows depression to develop. The grief process is not depression, although their symptoms are similar. Grief is a normal process that becomes easier with time. Grief comes in waves. It can be influenced by a lot of different feelings. A lot of times, just when we think we can handle life, we are hit with the realization of our loss and the pain comes over our whole being again. It is at this moment that you understand grief is not moving in a straight line forward but more side to side and back and forth.
According to Mitsch and Brookside, “Allow grief to help you become a better person as you learn from it and help others through their pain. We can also help ourselves as we grasp the importance of this moment and this day. We do have a choice of whether we want to be better or bitter because of what we’ve experienced.”
In conclusion, it is important for you to know what resources are available in your local community to help you during this difficult time.
Author Amy Walker, LPC, works as a grief counselor for Guardian Hospice in Sherman, Texas.
